Well after waiting and waiting the baby wasn't coming out on it's own. I tried to hold out so the process was more natural. After going to my appointment on Monday my Doctor and I decided that it would be safer for me to choose a D&C surgery. If it weren't for Christmas this weekend I would not have done this yet but, I don't want anything making this harder on the boys than need be. On Tuesday I had a confirmation ultrasound that showed there was still no growth and no heartbeat for the baby. I was scheduled for my surgery on Wednesday morning bright and early at 7:30 with check in at 5:30 AM. While I am glad that it is all over I am emotionally struggling right now. I am healing well and the surgery couldn't have gone smoother. There was one little issue with my heart that I may need to have checked out soon. The Doctors think it may have been because of the anesthesia they had used, not sure. I had a really good day yesterday but, today I have struggled really bad. I know anyone who has gone through this knows exactly how I feel. Miscarriages of any kind are not easy but, I think these kind are the worst. This is labeled a Missed Miscarriage where the baby had growth and a heartbeat at one point then died at another for reasons unknown and never detached so, the only way of knowing is with an ultrasound to confirm since there were no apparent signs of anything being wrong. I keep asking myself, how could I not have known something was wrong? After all I was the one carrying the baby, right? Very common question and the answer is, I couldn't have known. Nothing I did or didn't do could have changed what happened. I feel a bit angry at God right now. There are so many people out in the world who do not take responsibility or care for their children, or those who abuse and neglect them but they have them anyway. Why did he have to take mine? The anger will pass and the emotional healing will be a process but, with my husband and boys fully supporting me right now, I will make it passed this.
I know this isn't my normal kind of post and it isn't a very happy subject but, I can't keep this all bottled up inside anymore. Thank you to all that read this.
I wish each and every one of you the Merriest Christmas Ever! Enjoy your families this Holiday!
Hugs!
I will continue to pray for you. I can't imagine the grief you are facing, but I know that it is nothing that God can't help you get through. I will continue to pray and if you think there is anything I can do to cheer up the boys, please let me know. I'd be happy to send cards to them or anything.
ReplyDeleteMay God Be With You,
Sherry Wolfe
Schell, while none of us know why things like this happen and we question the complexities of life and all the things wrong in this crazy world, I'm glad you are okay and have your husband and boys to take care of you. Now is the hard part, like you said, the emotional healing.
ReplyDeleteI hope you all have a wonderful Christmas together :)
My heart goes out to you. You have all the right in the world to feel overwhelming emotions. You will have good and bad days. All I can say is you are not alone and people that you have never met do CARE.
ReplyDeleteLove Mary
P>S> positive thoughts to your Mom
So sorry that I have missed your posts :(
ReplyDeleteI wish I lived closer so I could give you a hug and be there for you.
So I will just have to say it on here.
You are a strong person and will heal. It is a hard thing to go through and very emotional.
There is nothing you could have done or no way you could have know.
Just hold your boys a little tighter and be thankful that you have a wonderful family that loves you and cares for you.
Hugs my friend.
Schell,
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you my friend.
Hugs,
Cassandra